Date: Wed, 24 Dec 1997 09:56:08 -0800
Reply-To: "William W. Viergever" <wwvierg@POP03.CA.US.IBM.NET>
Sender: "SAS(r) Discussion" <SAS-L@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
From: "William W. Viergever" <wwvierg@POP03.CA.US.IBM.NET>
Subject: Re: No subject given - but it was really some WORDS OF WISDOM
In-Reply-To: <01BD1010.2B776CD0.kmself@ix.netcom.com>
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"
At 12:07 AM 12/24/97 -0800, Karsten M. Self wrote:
>On Tuesday, December 23, 1997 8:49 AM, Girish S Patel
>[SMTP:girish.s.patel@CCMAIL.CENSUS.GOV] wrote:
>> Something to share !!!!!!!!!11
>>
>> WORDS OF WISDOM from Penn Jillette
>> ******************************************
>>
>> "I believe the simple fact that astrology and lotteries and
>> psychics are just scams to steal money from people who are
>> bad at one or more branches of math."
>
>Where do statistics and computer consulting fit into the general scheme of
>things? My third discipline, economics, was created to make the
>astrologers look good.
>
>Karsten M. Self (kmself@ix.netcom.com)
>
> What part of "gestalt" don't you understand?
> (Welchen Teil von "Gestalt" verstehen Sie nicht?)
>
>
Also being a schooled economist (never finished dissertation) I usually
don't fill the bandwidth, but, well, it's almost Xmas, posts like the above
are floating in the psyberspace, and El Nino is coming, so here's some
mental *pearls* (or food for thought for the winter floods) that a fellow
SAS Code Dog (who shall rename nameless but works for SI) buddy passed
along to me earlier this year; enjoy (and have Happy Holidays):
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
the place.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house
and four people died.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee
table. They couldn't help me.
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking
spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only
child . . . eventually.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them
again.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the
same room and let them fight it out.
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a
while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France
who said, "Cut it out!"
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like
I'm the only one moving.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on
the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I
get pulled over the cop looks at it
(moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly) . . . and says,
"Here, you can go."
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The
weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees
out today." I said "Oops . . ."
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out."
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll
just be walking down the street and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . oohh,
that's much better.
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I
keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of
it.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
My school colors were clear.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake up letter.
I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble
breathing.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He
said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."
I said, "the middle of August? Cool!"
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and
when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She
said, "Okay, forget it."
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be
gone. I said, "The whole time."
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They
caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories . .
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an
idiot.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are
furious.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . .
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing
"Happy Birthday".
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now
everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop
sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks
- I'm not going that far."
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door
complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.
I'm a peripheral visionary.
I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller
ballerinas?
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me
about some of the people who were here last year."
What a nice night for an evening.
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman
talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
/*=====================*/
W. W. Viergever
Viergever & Associates
Sacramento, CA
(916) 923-2355
/*=====================*/
